“The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I’d figured out, I had to learn again.” Don Henley, The Heart of The Matter

!! I dedicate this post to every woman I have ever met: it was not your fault. !!

As I go forward, living, learning and loving, I gain knowledge with every step; I would like to say this is true for everyone but I think we all know it is not. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to be “tricked” by appearances; we allow (invite, really) people to bring doubt and sadness into our lives.

EXAMPLE: Sally is smart, beautiful, and sexy. She has a great passion for life (she is Aries) and enjoys everything – she drinks, dances, reads, prays, has as much sex as she can – she is awesome and she would very much like a man (by this we mean a confident adult, secure in himself) to share her life. She has Rafe instead. Rafe is not a man, he is a 30+ adolescent; he enjoys most of what Sally brings to the table but he fears her confidence and independence. Rafe knows Sally  is well and truly out of his league and he does not handle it well – he picks at her, belittles her, and when she calls him out, says he is “just kidding” and she is “being mean” and needs “a sense of humor.” But we all know what he is really trying to do; he is not able to rise to her level, so he is instead trying to bring her down to his own. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

What do I dislike more than Rafe trying to pull Sally down? Sally sinking; Sally doubting herself, thinking she is too sensitive, and rationalizing all of his tantrums away. How far away is she from giving herself away to this low-bidder? How far away is he from outright bullying or abusing her? Neither are far enough away, in my opinion – neither poisonous plant should be allowed to grow.

It is not Sally’s responsibility to mold herself into someone easier for Rafe to handle; if Rafe wants to compete at this level, he needs to step up – to do the work that makes him a better man – or step off. Those are his only choices as a man, and he should be adult enough to make them himself, without trying to minimize Sally in the process. But Sally is not off the hook as she does have a responsibility; she must stand up for herself on her own two feet, look Rafe right in the eye, and say out loud,

“This is who I am. Your permission and approval are NOT required.”

Let us wish Sally well – she may have forgotten she deserves a good deal more than she is getting.

Feel free to skip ahead when you see where I am headed with this:

Cream rises to the top.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Great minds think alike.

Every bitch knows her own. (My favorite.)

We are here to live out loud, and that becomes hard to remember when so much is going on around us. We are also meant to build our lives among equals – others that are just as smart, strong, and confident as we are (although in different ways, variety in skills being important to an y societal group). Women may be the fairer sex but they are not weaker sex, and allowing anyone (man or woman, boss or spouse, friend or parent, etc) to weaken us is an easy mistake to make. It is also a mistake we can fix – just stand up, and speak up, and walk away when necessary. Be brave, and if you look over your shoulder, you will find others following your example.